My Alcoholic Tendencies Are Taking A Quick Ten
For the first time since I came back to school, I decided to retire my tube top and alcoholic concoction and instead throw on my running shorts, put on a face mask, and snuggle in my bed and watch American Horror Story. That is right everybody, I am completely sober; my half gal of Svedka has not budged since the weekend prior and my joints and blunts are stowed away in my backpack for another night. I should be studying for my big Anatomy exam that’s this Monday, but for some reason I am here, writing. It has been over a week since I last posted something on this website, but I feel like a lot has happened to me mentally that I just need to…I don’t know, rant? Complain? Vent out? I honestly don’t even know what the premise of this post will be, yet here I am, writing in my dorm room on a Saturday night while my friends are tormenting their livers and lungs with juuls and jungle juice. I guess the only efficient way to do this is to do it in a list-like form. So let’s start with the my current number one “issue” that has been on my mind:
1. Emotional Feels and My Self-Worth as a Woman
It’s the time of year I guess: that time of year when I meet somebody knew, start talking to them more and more, and suddenly can’t stop thinking about them. I see this person, and I suddenly have this tightness in my chest and start rambling in my mind. This is something that should be almost exciting to others, but for me this is anything but. In fact, it’s more like a hindrance.
I know I’m not beautiful.
This is such a sad mindset to have, but it is a mindset I bear. My body is far from perfect, my face is only partially adequate when I paint it with products I spend way too much money on, and my go to wardrobe include oversized sweatshirts and leggings. I’m almost a thousand percent sure that whenever I walk down the road, people don’t look twice my way, and if they are, it’s probably because of the beautiful blond walking five feet in front of me.
Despite my not-so great relationship with God, I am believer in fate, and even worse, I am a believer in soulmates. Maybe it’s because of my unhealthy obsession of Disney movies and the large amount of romantic YA novels I read in high school, but for some reason I have been conditioned to think that there is a person for everyone. But I am so impatient. I am smart enough to know that the first person you date won’t be your last, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to experience that almost perfect love story.
This is all probably all so over dramatic, but what can I say: I’m pretty dramatic overall.
Side note: if you are feeling the same way I’m feeling, do not listen to Queen Naija’s “Butterfly”. Just don’t. It’s too fucking real.
2. What the Fuck am I Doing Here
I’ve been contemplating my role lately. My role here at school, my role in life, my role in the universe, yada yada yada. Existentialism is a real thing folks, and yes, apparently you can have it sober. As I was reading about glycolysis and the electron transport chain and the fucking citric acid cycle, I had a moment of semi-clarity: why the fuck am I doing this. Why am I in Spokane Washington reading about metabolism? Why the hell am I causing myself this much stress by being in school?
I’ve been following a lot of travel pages on Instagram lately. There are people close to my age on white sandy beaches in the Caribbean or climbing several mountain ranges in Iceland. People are riding elephants in India and are zip lining through the Amazon. And where am I? Writing on a computer in my cramped dorm room on a Saturday night.
Am I actually going to drop out of college and pursue all of this? Probably not. Am I going to change my major to try and find happiness? Probably not. Because money is such a huge goal to achieve here, and because I have to somehow pay back my immigrant parents for literally almost losing their lives to find a better life for me, I feel like I have no choice. I feel like that’s been the common trend about most of the things in my life: I have absolutely no choice.
3. An Unintentional Emotional Attachment
I am not going into specific details about this. But basically, someone who I thought would still be in my life is no longer here. No, they didn’t die. They just…left, without a trace. When I got the news about this, the sudden trail of tears that trickled down my face was an actual shock to me.
Sure, I get attached to people pretty easily, but this was on a whole other level.
After finding out about the news, I rushed to the bathroom and bawled. And I had no idea how to stop. This was such a new feeling, and as it rushed throughout my entire essence, all I wanted was for it to stop. I texted friends and heeded advice, and when none of it was working, I even took desperate measures and called my mother, not the greatest person to talk to about emotions.
This event has been floating throughout my mind this weekend, yet for some reason I still do not know how to deal with it. The closest thing I’ve had to a loss is my grandpa dying, and I was A) six and B) had no idea what the hell was going on.
I still have no idea what to do about this nuance feeling. I just really want to get it situated as soon as possible.
And That’s the Tea Folks
As I finish writing this, I am realizing how low key therapeutic this is. Writing in a room by myself with only the sum of Maxwell seeping through my speakers has got to be my favorite Saturday night endeavor of the semester so far. So I know that this post isn’t as happy and hopeful as I promised, but despite all this dreary gloom and doom, I am still hopeful for the semester. I really do feel like something is going to happen to me. I couldn’t tell you what, but I just have this feeling in gut. Hopefully it comes true. Hopefully it’s marvelous. Marvelous enough to actually liven up this website.
Until next time. Peace.