Growing Up, “Adulting”, Becoming An Individual In Society: Why Is It So Fucking Terrifying

 The Big 2-0

At the end of this year, I will be turning twenty years old.

Twenty-fucking-years.

It didn’t really hit me until I was talking to a close cousin of mine. I was basically bragging about the fact that I was retiring the one in my age and stepping up in the world by replacing it with a 2 (as if it really is a big deal?) and I asked her about what she was doing when she turned twenty (she’s 33 right now). She then starts going on about how she was able to work full time while in community college, had a place of her own that she was able to pay off, and was some how able to stay fit, eat healthy, and maintain a healthy relationship with her then-boyfriend-now-husband. All of this was happening when she was twenty years old.

I was absolutely speechless.

I’m half-way through nineteen and where was I? A college student with a sea of debt rising to my neck, studying something that I thought I was passionate about but am not really sure, drinking Dutch Bros daily and eating Jimmy Johns every other day, and working a part time job at a pizzeria. I still ask my parents for money from time to time. I don’t feel like an adult at all. I still feel like a child.

I think back to my 17/18 year old self and wish I could slap that bitch silly for thinking that she was basically an adult. I remember feeling so high and mighty driving my own car that my parents bought, being able to afford the five dollar addiction that was caffeine, and carrying a handbag instead of a backpack as I roamed the halls of my high school. I thought I was the shit back then when I really wasn’t.

Turning twenty has made me realize that I need to get my shit together and fast. I hate the fact that I am so reliant on my parents because they have already done so much more than I believe they should. I want to become an independent, but I am not the only one that’s stopping myself from doing so. Society as a whole has made it so hard to become an individual. I remember hearing about some sort of triangle that represented life. Each corner represented a necessity: education, money, and a social life. It is impossible to have all three corners, but you could have two of the three. This represented living in society and how it was almost impossible to have it all. I feel like I currently possess the education and social life corners, but when it comes to money my funds are as dry as Donald Trump’s chapped looking lips. I want to have it all and still be happy with myself when I turn twenty, but I feel like it is nearly impossible.

Turning 20: The Gate That Leads To An Unclear Future

When I turned eighteen, I thought everything was as clear as crystal: I knew what college I was going to, I knew what I wanted to study, what I wanted to do after college, where I wanted to live in the future. For some reason I thought that figuring out your entire fucking future was as easy as creating a Pinterest wall. Once I turned nineteen, I realized the future I created so easily would not come so easy.

As I near the age of twenty, I realize that my futures is like wearing glasses in a sauna: foggy and unclear. For years ever since I was a little girl I was so sure of what I wanted to do in life: to become a doctor. That dream carried on for the next thirteen years, and I was so sure that while the journey would be hard, the goal could be achievable. But after my first year of college, I began to wonder if that dream was just that: a dream.

A part of that dream is still genuine to my heart. With my beautiful MD, I would travel the world and help those who didn’t have the basic health care that we have here. And I’m not talking like Spain or Belgium or any of those highly-developed areas. I wanted to go to places like the Middle East and Africa; places that were constantly at war and were destroying those hospitals that people needed. I still want to do all that very much, but the road to get there seems treacherous, as if I was destined to fail the journey.

If money wasn’t an issue, all I would want to do is travel, help others, and write. I feel like it’s those three things that really make me the happiest. If money wasn’t an issue, I genuinely think I would’ve dropped out of college by now and join some sort of volunteer group that aided Palestinians and wrote about my experiences.

But here I am: losing money as I gain an education to get a job that’ll hopefully earn me more money.

I am praying to whoever the hell is up there in the sky to make my twentieth a year of clarity, because I think that is truly what I need the most at the moment. I need to find a balance of all three things that I desire that’ll make me happy. Because no matter how nice riches and a successful career sounds, all I want is to be content in life and have no regrets (which I  know is humanly impossible, but hey, a girl can try right?).

I also want to grow as a woman when the big 2-0 approaches. I don’t have to become a fully independent person by the time I’m twenty, but even taking the first step would be fantastic. I want to grow emotionally, mentally, physically, and maybe even spiritually if that is what it’ll take to become my own happy individual in society.

So God, Allah, Buddha, Brahma, Ganesha, Zeus, or whoever the hell is ruling the skies above: please please PLEASE make this upcoming year a year of clarity and change. For the love of [insert deity]. Do it for your homegirl.